Trudging through

Rough week at law school this week.

While I really do appreciate the support, it seems like when people want to help they just tell me things like It will be okay, You only have a few months left, You only have a few weeks left of this semester, You've done it before so you'll do it again. But maybe I won't be able to get through it this time. And even if I get through it, "a few" weeks and months is a lot to me -- especially when they are this miserable. It's a crappy few weeks/months with too much work, not enough sleep, feeling miserable, perpetual anxiety. I just want to go home -- real home, to Cape Cod -- and sleep for a month straight without eating, working out or seeing anyone. Literally, when this is all over, I want to not wake up for a month.

I don't want to feel stressed out all the time. I don't want to feel high strung and jumpy. I want to be spontaneous. I don't want just one "fun" thing of the day, especially when that one "fun" this is going on the training bike at the gym at 5:45 a.m. I want to spend a long time at the grocery store and cook dinner. I don't want "sleeping late" to mean sleeping until 5:30 a.m. I want to be more laid back and easy going. I want to read novels and do the crossword puzzle. I want to listen to This American Life and Radio Lab. I want to go to pick-up frisbee games until dark, or whenever I feel like leaving. I don't want to burst into tears for no reason other than the stress of it all. I want back the confidence in myself that I used to have.

When will it end?

No soy yo

Thus far exams have been (characteristically) beyond miserable. Just, wow. The general feeling I have these days is the exact reason why people decide NOT to go to law school. Anxiety. Dread. Stress. Pressure. I want to go to sleep to avoid it all, but I can't fall asleep when I finally let myself crawl into bed. My mind is racing. I have nightmares where I take exams and re-live my misery. I want to sleep late, but morning is my precious time to be alert and focused.

It doesn't help that the past few days have been full of snow and highs of about 10 degrees. Supposedly, we're getting 8 more inches tonight and lows of -4. That's crazy. That's 2 pairs of pants, 3 shirts and 2 jackets cold.

Nothing about school makes me feel like I'm doing the right thing by being here. Denver doesn't feel right. Hard to exercise outside (First snow was the first week of October. And, as you know, I hate the treadmill). Hard to meet people. Hard to use public transit/bike/walk. Hard to find diversity. Hard to meet friends who don't have husband-boyfriend-fiance obligations.

Hard to see myself here beyond the next year and a half.

Hard to see myself here for the next year and a half.

Hard to see myself.

No soy yo.

Denver, minus one

So, I finished class at 7:15 and headed to the library to finish some reading. I know, pretty cool on Thursday night. I left the library around nine, got work for the weekend (so I don't have to go back to that building) and walked to my car with a friend (a friend!). From here it gets worse. No food in my refrigerator, and I am too pooped to go shopping and cook. I went to 4 places, drove all over the place just trying to get dinner. Everything in this "city" closes so early! 9:00 p.m. and I can't find dinner anywhere. Of course, bars are open with hamburgers and stuff, but I don't eat meat or want that crap for dinner. Sigh. Seriously, I gave up and was going to order from this really bad Chinese food place near me. I pulled around, was backing up to parallel park and someone behind me pulled into the spot. That was the last I could stand. I actually said aloud to myself, " I just want to eat dinner! Is that too much to ask? I hate it here!" Tears welled up (okay, overreaction, I know). It's all so pathetic- I have to stay at school until 9 p.m. I can't find an open place to get a measly bite to eat. I don't have anyone to eat with, anyway. And, I probably shouldn't spend money on eating out.

Just forget it. I'm going to bed.

Blech

What an overall bad day. I have a case of the what-ifs. "What if I don't do well?" "What if I never came to law school?" "What if I can't find an internship?" "What if I stay pathetically single forever [I think I have just 1 or 2 other friends who are still single, including friends from grade school, college, boston, and denver.]?" "What if ..." etc.

The only good part was my track workout (!). I did the same as last week, but this felt much better.

6x1k with 1/4 mile "active rest"
4:10
4:08
4:07
4:06
4:07
4:04

Boo-yah! I felt strong and got (minimally) faster as I went. Overall, I was going for the my-body-is-efficient feel and I wanted to finish the workout feeling like I could do more.