Rememory

Here I sit, one week after I finished my last law school exam. I left it shaking so hard that my fingers dialed "Mo" instead of "Mom." Convinced I failed and just so disappointed that yet again I felt unprepared for the questions I was pressed to answer, I sobbed to my poor mom over the phone. I'm sure she's had many sleepless nights worrying about me these past few years. I've since calmed down a bit, or maybe I just succumbed to helpless apathy. Anything is possible at this school, with these professors (or so it seems), so I know I won't fall asleep easily until I see passing grades posted online.

I've spent the week feeling a new kind of antsy insecurity. What am I supposed to be doing now, now that I've committed to giving myself two weeks off from the job search and I literally have nothing to do. What are all the other people doing on a trail run at 10 a.m. on a Monday? Why is there traffic at approximately 11:30 a.m.? Who are all these people having white wine spritzers with a 2:30 p.m. lunch? After told firmly by a friend, "You're being too hard on yourself. Give yourself a break." I think I am finally starting to unwind. I know it'll take me months to fully unwind. My goal: to have someone tell me (as they used to!) that I'm really laid back. Can you imagine?

Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.
I plan my days around a run. I stop at the grocery store almost every day to get ingredients for a meal I decide to make an hour before I get hungry. I sit in my chair and listen to my favorite news radio show every afternoon at 2 p.m. It took me a good six days before I even wanted - or had the attention span - to read the newspaper. I go for walks listening to my "quiet" mix every evening. I sneak a beer into the park to enjoy while watching the sunset. I watch the whole sunset.

I think it will take me a long time to find myself and to gain back my confidence and energy. I don't just feel burned out, I feel beat up. I feel like I lost myself somewhere in the last there years. I forgot simple things, like that I am not a boring person and I can laugh. Fortunately, human coping mechanisms are amazing. I'll get back to the point where I believe other people when they tell me I am smart. I already find that I've forgotten just how miserable I have felt because my coping mechanisms tend to block out the horrible and only remember the good. In eager anticipation of wakeless nights, I suppress all traumatic rememory and welcome any healing retelling of the story of Who I Am.*

* "Rememory" is a term that Toni Morrison made up in her book, Beloved. It is a kind of psychic haunting in which the specifics of a traumatic incident are told and retold, even as the teller tries to block their full emergence into the conscious mind. Through compulsive repetition, one's narrative is constantly being both torn apart and reconstituted. Memories are constantly being both exhumed and buried, and the mind of the storyteller is both imprisoned and set free in the act of retelling. Rememory is both a reconciliation and a vexation, both a healing and a wounding. Read the book or see more here.

Track

Oh, boy do I love a good track workout.

This morning I felt like I was in high school again getting nervous to do a track workout. I met my new-found runner friend at 7:15 "by the hot-dog stand" (which, it goes without say, is not there at 7 a.m.). We gabbed in excited, fast, loud voices as we jogged over to the track. I can't tell you how great it felt to fall into an easy chatter with a running buddy - it's been so long! We stepped onto the lush track at South High and planned our workout, talking splits and other nerdy runner business. It was awesome. Keeping in mind that this was my first workout in over 15 months, I was pretty freaking proud of myself. The workout (with 600 active rest/jog between each):

3 x 1 mile (6:40, 6:40, 6:35)
800 (3:20)
2 x 400 (1:30ish)

The track workout was great and all, but mainly I'm just so happy to have found a running buddy! Looking forward to the upcoming month of running.

Boston Marathon Day

Happy Boston Marathon Day!

I just love this day, the race, being a runner from Massachusetts. I tried to do work this morning, but couldn't really do anything except track runners and refresh my blogs obsessively. It was an insane day for a marathon with once in a lifetime weather: sunny, mid 40s at the start, tail wind. World record set for men (2:03:02), two American women got personal records and finished well. The first American got second place by a heartbreaking two seconds. I was impressed and inspired.

Had a so-so run myself today, but at least I'm feeling the running bug bite. Going to the trail tomorrow morning, bright and early. I plan to be there just before sunrise. Coming?

Montrail Mountain Masochist Review

I participated in a focus group for Columbia Sportswear. They were looking to find out what women want in an outdoor shoe. I'm, of course, more than happy to gab about exercise gear forever. It was pretty fun and I ended up with some free stuff. Then, just last week, I got a free pair of shoes in the mail! How great is that!? What's more, I adore the shoes. I mean, once I had these nice trail shoes, I just had to test 'em out on the trail. I treated myself to a trail run yesterday and a hike this morning. No complaints. I may have found my favorite all-around run/trail/hike/backpack/sports/daily sneaker shoe.

Here's my review of the Montrail Mountain Masochist Women's Trail Running Shoes:

I love these shoes! The Montrail Mountain Masochist trail running shoes are super light for a trail shoe, but definitely not lacking good structure. They provide cushion, but don't suffocate your foot in a cloud of fabric. They are breathable and seem to dry fast. The heel lift is low and the bottom treading isn't too big, so I never feel like I'm tripping along on either trail or pavement. The bottom tread gives great control for uphill or downhill. No sliding around, even on steep sections or small pebbles. True to fit, they are comfortably fit around the heel and arch with plenty of room in the toes, so you don't feel the top of the shoe if you're running downhill. I especially like how the shoe is extra firm around the toes for extra protection against rocks. No problems with blisters anywhere and I felt like I could wear them forever. Finally, they look great! I can wear them on the trail and then throw them on with a pair of jeans. Besides, who doesn't want a pair of shoes called the "Mountain Masochist"? I may have found my favorite all-around run/trail/hike/backpack/sports/daily sneaker. I'm hooked and will buy these again.

Multitasking

I went for a run today and, as usual, combined it with an errand. Who has time to do just one thing at once!? But, this was totally awkward:

I ran to the post office with all of this hugged to my body:

A jar of Justin's Maple Almond Butter.
A jar of homemade granola
A car insurance bill
Two letters
A hat (free from Columbia Sportwear)
My taxes (incl. copied receipts)

I'm a weirdo. I know. It worked out okay.

Swedish Fish

In high school at cross-country races I remember my friend's dad (a carpenter) yelling, "You're tough as nails!" and other voices yelling, "Dig deep!" In spring time track, doubling up on the mile and two mile, my friend Mary would stand at that far curve on the track. The windy one by the triple and long jump pits, where no one else would venture. She'd dangle red Swedish Fish in front of me and yell, "Come on! Swedish Fish when you're done!" and I'd suffer through all 16 laps to be able to gobble down my fishies.

I need some Swedish Fish motivation.

I've had a few weeks of Blah where the work isn't too much or too hard, I just don't want to do it. It's doable, but I want someone else to do it. Spring break starts this week, though, and I've had a productive day today (hey, I have to start somewhere, right?). I'm sure when we get back from Spring Break time will fly by and it'll all be over before I know it. But, right now I am just struggling with the day to day. Resisting with all I have not to start a countdown. How about a countdown to a countdown?

Humble Pie

I ate it today on my run. No, no, I didn't fall. I just died HARD and ate some humble pie. Wow, you think you're fit and that you can dictate how your body should move and feel, but no. It's good to have runs like today where I just feel horrible and really, truly suffer through the run as if I were a novice and hadn't run a single step in my life. I can't chose to have my body do whatever I wish. I am not as strong as I think, and there's always more to improve upon. It happens to everyone. So, a staggeringly awful run like today gives me great perspective from which to appreciate the good runs even more. I'm already hobbling around and it's only been a few hours.

Another day, another run. Tomorrow will be better.

Sin sentido

Turns out, it's hard to cry and run at the same time.

Snippet

Things I've thought about or done in the last few days --

Heard Heraldo Munoz speak (U.S. Ambassador to Chile) about inequality in Latin America.

Realized winter is in full force because my leg hair swings in the breeze. Why shave in winter, what with pants and leggings galore?

Had a fantastic hill run that left me breathless and almost too tired to make it back to school.

Sat outside in 72 degree weather.

Had a scrumptious Valentine's Day meal replete with wine, bread, homemade pea pesto, eggplant lasagna, kale, homemade cream puff pastries and - best of all - my favoritest girls, KS and GC. Couldn't have asked for better dates!

Finished reading Hygiene and the Assasin. Not sure I loved this disturbing, morbid tale. Unique, at least. Now I'm reading Little Bee.

Searched 5 grocery stores in Denver for 7-grain mix. To no avail. Date bread will have to wait until I can resume the search. I don't understand, though, because I've made this bread before in Denver ... which means I found the 7-grain mix somewhere. Riddle me this.

Here's heading into the weekend!

Hogar, dulce, hogar

Back in Boston! Yay! It feels good to be home. :) I got hugged and dropped off at the Bolt bus by wombmate #3 ... and picked up and hugged at South Station by wombmate #2. Lucky me!

Boston is beautiful, as always. Nothing -- nothing -- beats a night run in winter across the Mass. Ave. bridge, the skyline fading behind the snow falling around me. Exhilarating!

Tomorrow we head to the art museum with the 'rents. So excited! It's such a lovely museum, compared to a certain, shall we say, diorama-esque art museum back in Denver.

Running

I've been pretty good lately about restraining myself from telling you all the mundane, boring detail of my slow return to running. Until now. :)

I've been good about forced days off, stretching, and strengthening exercises. I'm trying hard not to get injured or have aches. I do get some aches in the arch still, so I have a feeling this will just have to something I'm very vigilant about, not just hop out the door and run.

I've been treating myself to trail runs. It's too cold to bike outside, and I need something to look forward to amidst the paper-writing.

I had a great long run this morning, albeit accidental. I hadn't run this trail for almost a year and I could have sworn the "shortcut" made it an hour... somehow I forgot about 5 whole extra miles. Gah! Whatever. What can you do but keep running? I tried to chill out. The last mile and a half or so were ugly, but The Hurricane came on my iShuffle, so that was pretty motivating. I'm already sore and stiff, but psyched! The best way to get back to normal mileage is just to do it (painfully, at first).

One last thing, I was chatting with a dude at law school who I always see at the gym. So, of course we started talking about what sports we do (he = soccer). He asked what sport I do and without thinking I said "I'm a runner." Super cheesy, but it felt really good to say that! I feel like I haven't been able to say that for so long. I also love that you can be a runner no matter how recreational, amateur, slow, or gawky you are. Really, I have just as much right to say I am a runner as Shalene or Kara. You don't have to be good, you just have to do it. So do it. And love it.

Keep calm and carry on...

Living the Dream

Today has been such a good day, so far!

Went for a run around City Park. I'm not fast, but I feel less out of breath and am slowly inching to longer runs. Given that my first run was a 10 min jog 4 weeks ago, I'm psyched!

I studied at a cafe for a bit then got to take some friends (and the baby formerly known as smudge!) to the airport. I love playing with that little baby! He laughs when I come in the room and then proceeds to pull out my curls. I stop him before he puts my hair in his mouth, though. A-dorable!

I forgot to mention: I am done with 2 of my classes! I just have 2 little papers, left. Hard to believe.

Okay, are you ready for the indulgence? I bought a book today. A novel! Wait, maybe I should say, "The Federal Loan Division of the U.S. Government bought a book today." (Oooh, bookstores are so dangerous. You can dress me up but you can't take me anywhere! Now I remember why I don't let myself go into any bookstore ... except occassionally to Goodwill's back section with 10 cent used books.) I just ... it was ... I just love books! And, this is embarrassing, I bought it because of its cover (G'ah! I totally judged a book by its cover. ) It was minimalist, outdoorsy and winter-looking. Small. Written by someone from Massachusetts. Had a shiny little "Pulitzer Prize Winner" sticker. I couldn't resist. Behold the little gem:


As I had heard nothing of it before buying it on a whim, I checked out the review. I'm saving it as my snuggle-up-with-a-good-book on Thanksgiving.


P.S. Even the Indonesian government remembered the Jews, unlike Colorado, apparently.

Mustang Trail

I had such a great trail run yesterday! I wish I could show everyone just how beautiful this park is. I won't lie: the beginning is about 45 straight up. It's brutal, but so worth it! After about 20 minutes, you stop seeing other people (mainly mountain bikers). I was unprepared for such a long, hard trail, but it was just so pretty and I really wanted to try it, so I just did it. There was snow and ice in some parts. Pretty leaves in others. Lots of mountains! And, there was a beautiful sunset. Wait, sunset!? Oops. Poor timing on my part. It's a bad sign when you're still at least a half hour from the trail head, the sun is setting, and you're already exhausted! I swear, I heard animals come out and my heart started pounding as I sprinted down the mountain. Nothing like taking an unknown trail, by yourself, as the sun is setting to make you run further and fast than you've run in months. It all worked out in the end! :)

It was pretty much pitch dark when I got back to the car, and the temperature must have dropped something like 20-25 degrees during the run. I was freezing! I had to change my clothes - all of them - right there in the parking lot because I was going to freeze to death on the drive home, otherwise.... doo bee doo be dooo ... nothing to see here (which, let's be honest, there isn't much to see).

I did some serious stretching and took a long walk last night. I was tired of being on my feet, but I think it worked because I'm not even [that] sore today!

Success.

One day at a time

Here we go - Wednesday, November 9. In my new-found age and wisdom, I've been feeling better. I think I just get so anxious and stressed out that I work myself into a tizzy and can't calm down. The work is still there. My Deadline List on my whitey-board at home is full. But, I have accomplished some (small though it may be) work since my last post. I wrote a personal narrative about being a female law student. I wrote a short memo about risk management for a mining investment in Venezuela.

A lovely friend from Boston has been in town for a conference (lucky me!). It's really amazing to feel this de-stressed just by having a good friend, with nice chats, easy company, and familiarity nearby. She's a quick one, though, and I probably ran too fast and too far for my getting-back-in-shape routine. How fun! We did a little city park loop. Unfortunately, I made her talk the whole time as I was desperately trying to keep up and catch my breath.

As the Momster says: Just take one day at a time.

Keep calm and carry on...

London + back again

Ahhh, London was so wonderful! I had never been there before and just adored it. Yes, yes, I know vacation and visiting with friends and all of this is makes it a different experience from actually living there. But it was a good experience! What didn't we do!?

I arrived Friday, picked up my friend's keys from the restaurant below his flat. After shower and "topping up" the Skype phone I borrowed from Diana, I walked around West London for the afternoon. My friend got off work and we went to a gastropub in Angel for dinner. Delicious food: notably, the "chips" (fries). Walked past a hip bar and decided to go in for a shi-shi drink. The bar was warm refuge, bustling, small, crowded, dark, looked nondescript from the outside. Good fun. Reminded me of a bigger/older Boston.

Saturday we headed to Portabello Market to browse the food, antiques, and people watch. From there, we hoped on the tube to get to Embanquement (spelling?) where we walked along the Thames, crossed bridges, heard a classical music afternoon concert at the Queen Elizabeth Hall, saw the Tate Modern and the Gauguin Exhibit going on right now. What next? We went toward Central London to see the sights, walk through Chinatown, Regents Park, Hyde Park, etc. We stopped when we got hungry as we were passing Iraqi food. YUM. After that we picked up ice cream on the way home.

Sunday we went to Brick Lane. So cool! Hipster market type. Young crowd, awesome stands of independent artists with graphic tees, jewelry, scarves, clothes, trinkets, cards, bags, food, etc. I loved the bustling crowd, diversity of look, style, language. From there we went to afternoon tea and hustled to a fringe theater show that was hilarious. I looooved it. Walked home, past this beautiful, empty street with all the embassies. Watched part of Woody Allen movie and crashed hard.

Monday morning I got to meet Diana's musician friends for breakfast at Le Pain Quotidien. Yay! So nice to meet them and talk about our little Diana. I caught a flight at about 4 p.m. and watched the sunset for about 8 hours as we raced the sun toward the West. I was exceedingly proud of myself for doing homework and not sleeping during the flight. Picked up my car, exhausted, drove back to Denver and got to bed at 11 p.m. Denver time/6 a.m. London time.

I am very lucky to have such good friends all around the world. Couldn't have asked for a more perfect weekend!

Since then, back to the ol' routine. Gym in the morning, work and meetings and class all day. I wrote and handed in a 3,000 word midterm yesterday (due at 7 p.m.). Glad that's over with! On to the next paper, er. um. I mean updating the neglected little bloggie. Sorry bloggie and kind readers!

Also of note, I have now gone running 2 days in a row! YAaaay! The first day I did:

walk 5 min
run 10 min
walk 5 min
run 10 min

Then yesterday I did:

walk 5 min
Run 10 min
walk 5 min
run 10 min
walk 5 min
run 17 min
walk 10 min

And when I say "run," let's be honest, I was barely jogging. But, hey, it's fall. It's beautiful and leaves are falling. I felt great and felt pretty lucky and happy about it all! Who cares about all that law school work waiting for me. :)

Drs Update

First off, the heel is getting better! I can hardly contain my excitement and have been planning my first run, my ease-back-into-running-plan, and how great it will feel to be back in running shape. Yeee-ay! Apparently, my calf/lower leg muscles were so tight it was straining the muscles in my foot (arch, toes, etc.). I have been doing my stretching and toe strength exercises and the heel pain is going away. That's right: pretty soon I'll be eating bananas and playing the piano with my toes. I also got fitted yesterday for orthotics. Expensive, but I think it's beyond worth it. I should get them in about a week and then I get to go running! :)

Today I got blood drawn. 3 men tried 5 times for an hour. 5 pokes, people! One of them said to me, "You have such tiny little lady veins!" I didn't say anything because, really, what are you supposed to say to that. After a period of awkward silence, he said, "That's a compliment." I mustered up a "thank you," ending the you with an up intonation. Also, I got really cold halfway through this hour-long blood drawing. Like, shivering uncontrollably. Then another guy said, "We'll have to make you go to the gym first next time" because apparently that makes it easier to find veins. I told him that I had come to the hospital directly from the gym! Sheesh. Of all parts of my body that could be thin. Anyway, they were all ashamed, embarrassed and apologetic. I staggered out of there clutching the hot packs they gave me and blasted the heat.

On the plus side, I guess I have low blood pressure.

9 months later

No, not a baby. I'm finally seeing a podiatrist for my plantar fasciitis/heel spur thing that has been bothering me since January! Sitting in the office now. To be continued...

Bummer

Okay. Plantar Fasciitis-heel-spur-pain is still going on. I basically stopped running in February and have not recovered yet. What a bummer! I am feeling very out of sorts. Not my usual body. Clothes aren't fitting right, feeling new weight and oddly winded going up stairs and the like. I kept up a pretty good workout scheme in Colorado with my road bike and the gym, but the last few weeks with travel and no bike have been bad. I think I just need to give up on running and work harder at keeping in shape by bike, walking, and maybe swim? I joined the JCC. I walk a mile to and from work. I am borrowing a road bike in a couple weeks. I really, really, really, just want to get better so I can step out the door and go running. Sad that I have so much work to do to get back in shape. Probably no marathon this year, either.

Give me advice!

Week in review

Wow, I can't believe the last time I wrote was Monday! And here we are, Friday already. *Shakes head.* I've been thinking of meaningful posts I want to do, but now I'll just write a post about the week...

I turned in a bunch of assignments this week: an editing and citing assignment, a midterm, a draft outline and bibliography. The midterm was actually fun to write! It was about how states are the principle implementers and enforcers of human rights.

Other going-ons this week? I had fun at my internship and worked on a project in Colombia. A Colorado company who makes prosthetic limbs wants to export there, so I was trying to figure out how to do that. What are the local laws, customs, duties, registrations and tariffs? Is there a potential market and who are the competitors? With whom might they work as a local middle-man? Pretty interesting and I was happy with the report I put together. I went to lunch at a new Thai restaurant with two other girls who work at the WTC with me - fun!

I work at the tallest building on the left.

I also had a killer run that night at Niketown. I was psyched - kept up with the guys. Their fancy Garmin watches said we were cruising along at a 6:20 pace. Woo! I was definitely hurting the next day. I also went to a Penn alumni fundraiser event last night. It was at the Ritz Carleton downtown with nice nibbles, cheese, and wine. It was all pretty posh, I got dressed up and had a good time. I'm reading (slowly) Dubliners by Joyce. Good writing and good stories about people accepting - choosing? - the inevitability of their place in society. Another thing that strikes me as I reflect on the week is all the beautiful sunrises and sunsets I have seen. There is something about the snow, the mountains and the dry air in winter here that reflects the sun in such beautiful ways. It's one of my favorite things about living here.

One last thing - I love puns. I heard a cool news piece about bilingual puns. Brilliant! The puns were in the context of restaurant names. Pho-Shizzle, Juan in a Million, Mmmmpanadas. Ha! I think it's great. I know, I'm a dork.

Freeday!

Hurrah! It's Friday and I am off to have some fun. This week was a doozy. Don't get me wrong - I love it! The busy, crazy running around trying to get a million things done, catching up with lots of people and (admittedly) little sleep. Going to First Friday tonight, then dancing. Other adventures in store for the rest of the weekend. Lots of studying, going to climb at the REI wall, sushi girl dinner, running. Can't wait!

And, because this actually is my personal space to rant, consider the following:

What the f. is up with the streets of Denver!? I have fallen 5 times this winter (don't tell mom!). Every time I fall, I scrape up my knees, go through a bunch of bandaids and get some pretty nice bruises. Grrrr. The latest, yesterday morning, some dude just happened to be there and says, "Woa, that sucks!" Pretty solid way to start a Thursday morning.

Dear Denver:

Please fix your sidewalks and have street lights that actually illuminate the sidewalks. Also, if you could arrange for the sun to rise a bit earlier that would be fine by me.

Cheers,

capecodchica.

I'm out, going to look for some mischief, you coming? ;)