Confidence in words

Like so many days lately, I waiver from (1) being proud of myself and excited for all the opportunities and change coming in the next few months for me to (2) being insecure, without self-confidence, and completely strung-out with anxiety over the fact that no realm of my life is settled. It changes hourly, if not more often. Today was mainly a day of the latter. And here I sit, on Friday evening, writing yet another cover letter. I wanted to sum-up the letter with some descriptive adjectives about myself. I wrote "self-starter", but (again, the lack of confidence) decided I should look it up on thesaurus.com just in case that wasn't the word I meant. The result:

Main Entry:	eager beaver
Part of Speech:	noun
Definition:	industrious person
Synonyms:	active person, aholic, ambitious person, ball of fire, beaver, busy bee, busy bee, busy person, doer, dynamo, fireball, go-getter, hot shot, live wire, live wire, no slouch, pistol, self-starter , sharpy, spark plug, workhorse

Main Entry:	go-getter
Part of Speech:	noun
Definition:	eager beaver
Synonyms:	active person, ambitious person, ball of fire, beaver, busy bee, busy person, doer, dynamo, fireball, hot shot, hustler, live wire, no slouch, pistol, self-starter , sharpy, spark plug, workhorse

You know what, darn it, that is me.

Trudging through

Rough week at law school this week.

While I really do appreciate the support, it seems like when people want to help they just tell me things like It will be okay, You only have a few months left, You only have a few weeks left of this semester, You've done it before so you'll do it again. But maybe I won't be able to get through it this time. And even if I get through it, "a few" weeks and months is a lot to me -- especially when they are this miserable. It's a crappy few weeks/months with too much work, not enough sleep, feeling miserable, perpetual anxiety. I just want to go home -- real home, to Cape Cod -- and sleep for a month straight without eating, working out or seeing anyone. Literally, when this is all over, I want to not wake up for a month.

I don't want to feel stressed out all the time. I don't want to feel high strung and jumpy. I want to be spontaneous. I don't want just one "fun" thing of the day, especially when that one "fun" this is going on the training bike at the gym at 5:45 a.m. I want to spend a long time at the grocery store and cook dinner. I don't want "sleeping late" to mean sleeping until 5:30 a.m. I want to be more laid back and easy going. I want to read novels and do the crossword puzzle. I want to listen to This American Life and Radio Lab. I want to go to pick-up frisbee games until dark, or whenever I feel like leaving. I don't want to burst into tears for no reason other than the stress of it all. I want back the confidence in myself that I used to have.

When will it end?

Happy Halloween

But. But. But.

But my favorite month ends in less than 4 hours. How could it go that quickly!? Couldn't March go that quickly. Couldn't driving through Connecticut go that quickly? Couldn't the rest of law school go that quickly?

I've been working on my paper and other studying all weekend. I went for two walk/jogs. I'm currently at Whole Foods for a quick stop before heading home to study more. It seems depressingly endless.

This will be a difficult next few weeks. I can't say I'm looking forward to it. Here's what's coming up:

Nov 2 - 25 page Ethics paper
Nov 6 - First part of the Bar Exam (Professional Ethics)
Nov 9 - Memo for Mining class due
Nov 11 - Trade paper (25? 30 pages?)
Nov 15 - Book review (15 pages)
Nov 16 - 5 page narrative paper
Petroleum Paper & Presentation
Mining Paper & Presentation
Trade Presentation

This is all on top of regular class and reading

One day at a time

I'm fighting this sinking feeling that is coming on. Those same feelings of stress and I-don't-belong-here. I had a nice weekend and all, but then Monday comes and I get all stressed out again about life, jobs, loans, money (or lack thereof), the bar exam, papers.

I've made some big changes and cut out commitments, so in theory, I should have more time to eat, sleep, be happier. I'm reading a novel. I go to yoga and the gym. I spent an hour going to the grocery store. I made dinner. I baked scones. I should be happy, no?

Instead, I just feel inadequate for not having an internship. I feel inadequate for "only" doing a full-time schedule of 4 classes, a masters thesis, and being on a law journal. Why do I have to feel guilty about free time or actually getting 8 hours of sleep at night. I feel like my head is spinning with law/professional/career ideas that I don't have anyone to talk to about. I feel pressure to look and apply for jobs. I feel pressure to decide where to take the bar. I am anxious already that I won't pass the bar. This fall semester leads to spring semester, which leads to the bar exam, which leads to starting a job (if I have one) ... rush rush rush, no time to rest or recover from life.

No soy yo

Thus far exams have been (characteristically) beyond miserable. Just, wow. The general feeling I have these days is the exact reason why people decide NOT to go to law school. Anxiety. Dread. Stress. Pressure. I want to go to sleep to avoid it all, but I can't fall asleep when I finally let myself crawl into bed. My mind is racing. I have nightmares where I take exams and re-live my misery. I want to sleep late, but morning is my precious time to be alert and focused.

It doesn't help that the past few days have been full of snow and highs of about 10 degrees. Supposedly, we're getting 8 more inches tonight and lows of -4. That's crazy. That's 2 pairs of pants, 3 shirts and 2 jackets cold.

Nothing about school makes me feel like I'm doing the right thing by being here. Denver doesn't feel right. Hard to exercise outside (First snow was the first week of October. And, as you know, I hate the treadmill). Hard to meet people. Hard to use public transit/bike/walk. Hard to find diversity. Hard to meet friends who don't have husband-boyfriend-fiance obligations.

Hard to see myself here beyond the next year and a half.

Hard to see myself here for the next year and a half.

Hard to see myself.

No soy yo.

Freaking out

Ah! Finals start tomorrow and then it's a sprint to the finish. The more I study, the worse I feel! I just realize more and more how much I don't know. :/

Not to mention: today was 23 degrees midday, it snow last night. Tonight is a low of 1 degree. Tomorrow is a high of 16, plus snow during the day. I swear, the weather always tries to sabotage my exams. It just adds a layer of stress and wasted time (bus to school because roads too icy/snowy) when I need it least.

I hate the pressure, anxiety, high-stakes, unknown abyss that is law school finals.


Freaking. Out.