Wait, I'm in law school?

1L year is over. That's first year law school, in nerd-talk legalese. I still can't quite believe I'm even in law school. I've been thinking a lot about it and trying to understand how I fit in (or don't, for that matter). Law school grades are 1 exam, all or nothing, at the end of the semester. I've always struggled with exams, standardized tests, and the traditional evaluation methods in our education system. My struggles and frustrations have only gotten worse as I get older; and, the law school system does not seem to agree with me. As I've wondered before, it makes me ask this question over and over: is something wrong with my brain? This is an analogy my understanding of how my brain processes information in law school. Maybe it's why I struggle to prove I have learned, maybe not. Comments welcome!

For a Cognitive Science class, I once wrote a research paper on pidgin languages, studying an overlapping area of linguistics, psychology, and philosophy. I was interested in seeing if and what part of language is innate human instinct. The traditional view was that 2 languages mashed together to form a third language. ("Mashed" may or may not be the technical term.) But, this isn't true. What happens is that the native population and the immigrant population (e.g. native Haitians and French) simplify their languages so much that essentially they communicate non-verbally and with a shared vocabulary of maybe as little as 400 words. This isn't a "language," but, really, it's getting by with a totality of expressions. The first generation of children born AFTER the immigrants arrive are the ones who "sui generis" create a new language, apart from either the natives' or immigrants' languages. The parents don't teach it to the children, because they don't speak it. The older generation doesn't understand it, because it's communication between the children. So, I learned that the innate part of language are the things that make the children understand each other (syntax, grammatical structures, etc.) The "nature" part of language that is learned or experiential are the sounds and the semantics. Haitian creole sounds a bit like French not because they take words from French, but because the children heard those sounds and plugged them into/used them in the language structure they innately had in their brains. Now, what's really interesting, I think, is that if you look at the grammatical/verbal mistakes that children who speak modern languages that have been socially-evolved over hundreds of years, e.g. English, French, etc., then those mistakes match the grammatical structure of the pidgin languages that children create. What is "wrong" today in language is what is innately "right." So, to me, that means that the hardwired, innate language has changed so much from its natural original state, that now we shun the intuitive and "true" or "universal" part of language.
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How does this connect to how I feel about law school? Well, what is "wrong" today in law/social functioning is innately "right" in my brain. Where most people just accept the current laws and socially-evolved functioning, I do not. I cannot help but see the world as the originally intuitive way. I don't make assumptions and I can't easily accept or understand the socially-evolved rules by which society lives. So, everything I learn at school is a shock to me. The laws we learn are not intuitive to me. I have to struggle to see what is obvious to other people.

That was admittedly long, and probably confusing, but that's the best I can do to make sense of how I feel right now about law school, grades and that thing inside me I like to call my mushy brain.

Committing to it in Writing

I won't bore you with the details of the last few weeks. I fell off the band-wagon, but I'm getting back on again. This blog might turn into a bit of a running nerd blog. Sorry! After a great long run Saturday with two FIT runners, one of my new resolutions is to suck it up and do the dreaded track workouts. I have done one track workout in the last year. It was a miserable 2 mile time trial that I like to remember as The Death March. After my half-marathon a few weeks ago, I couldn't believe just how sore my hamstring were. Why so sore? No track workouts! All said and done, I was pretty happy with my 1:35. I had done no track workouts in over a year. I hadn't raced in well over a year. I did only one run specifically to train for it, a long trail run six days before. I had just finished first year of lovely grad school (how do those semi-professionals go to school AND train!? Mucho respeto!). So, it's a good starting point...

... because I've decided to run Philly in November. When I decide to run a marathon, I don't do half way. I want to feel prepared and as strong as possible. I'm going for a PR. I want that feeling again of being super fit. I want to be starving every 2 hours on the dot. I want to feel fast. I want to feel as healthy as I've ever felt. Colorado summer and mountains, altitude training, trail runs to slow me down on long runs, farmers market veggie salads, no East coast humidity, and inspiring new training partners -- I'm ready to commit to what it takes:

going to sleep early on Friday nights to get up for Saturday morning long runs
track workouts once a week
tempo runs
paying for essentials (new shoes every 6-8 weeks, massage, post-run recovery shake powder)
finally getting The Stick and a foam roller
eating right
consistency, consistency, consistency
a just do it and "it's-like-brushing-your-teeth" attitude

I can do this! Right?

Waiting

There's something nice about waiting. It's a gentle reminder that not everything can be executed perfectly, timed to the minute, or just as you want it. It's an exercise in patience, keeping oneself occupied, and being okay with inactivity. I am reminded of all those times traveling when I had no choice but to sit and wait hours upon hours for the strike to be over, the next bus to pull into the depot, the overnight but to arrive, the flood to abate or the bus to show up (or not). You learn to roll with the punches and to just BE. And, usually, it calls for some creative problem-solving.

Now that the semester is over, I find myself not planning ahead as much, even if it means I "have" (get?) to wait. I have time to wait, now. In preparation for fixing my car's flat tire, I set up a killer play list on my ipod and brought along two books. I had a fabulous time just sitting in the sun, reading, listening and waiting for five hours.

I headed out for dinner and ended up at BasilDocs, which I think is the best pizza in Denver. I never would have allotted the precious twenty minutes to wait for dinner during the semester. Now, I was free to just sit outside on the picnic benches, feeling the onda of summer and waiting.

At my yoga class, the instructor always says, "If you have time, feel free to stay in Chavasina as long as you'd like." This is usually about the time my heart starts racing, my mind starts making To-Do lists and I hop up and out as fast as I can. But today, I did have time to stay!

Hello Summer

I'm done! It still boggles my mind that I'm IN law school, let alone done with the first year.

I'd also especially like to thank the jerkface who took me out in Frisbee today. Serious knee contact to my flexed side leg muscles. It hurts. A lot. You jerk.

A taste of Spring

This was a pretty rough week a law school, so as soon as everything was over on Friday afternoon I zipped out to my favorite trail run right on the edge of the mountains. Wow, it's so beautiful and other-worldly. I love getting out there with just me, my little (literally - it's kid's size) CamelBack, and empty nature. But, not really empty: I saw snakes, rabbits, deer, all colors of wildflowers, lots of Spring coming into green, diorama-cotton clouds. I always feel like I'm a ten years old again getting lost for 3 hours before showing up for dinner, sweaty, dirty, starving and exhausted. It's so great! Nothing beats that feeling of being an hour's run into the mountains and away from my computer, cell phone, people and civilization as I know it, these days. I also realized just how out of shape I am for trail running right now. Smart mom reminded me to “Go easy.” I brought the camera along to slow me down and remind me to just be out there to just be. Have a looksie:







Lovely!

On another note - the lilacs are in bloom and it makes me nostalgic first for running down Keveney Lane from the bus stop to home (roughly 4-5 minutes when we were in elementary school) and passing by the lilacs around the curve. Sometimes we'd stop and pick some for mom. She'd pretend to like them and put them in a glass on the windowsill for a couple hours. It then makes me nostalgic for Lilac Sunday in Jamaica Plain. It's the one day of the year (on Mother's Day) when you can have a picnic in the Arboretum. I told Grandma about it a few years ago, thinking I was so hip and on-top of the Boston events scene. Her response? "Oh sure, I used to go to Lilac Sunday 50 years ago." Forever in awe of Grandma Marion!