Rough week at law school this week.
While I really do appreciate the support, it seems like when people want to help they just tell me things like It will be okay, You only have a few months left, You only have a few weeks left of this semester, You've done it before so you'll do it again. But maybe I won't be able to get through it this time. And even if I get through it, "a few" weeks and months is a lot to me -- especially when they are this miserable. It's a crappy few weeks/months with too much work, not enough sleep, feeling miserable, perpetual anxiety. I just want to go home -- real home, to Cape Cod -- and sleep for a month straight without eating, working out or seeing anyone. Literally, when this is all over, I want to not wake up for a month.
I don't want to feel stressed out all the time. I don't want to feel high strung and jumpy. I want to be spontaneous. I don't want just one "fun" thing of the day, especially when that one "fun" this is going on the training bike at the gym at 5:45 a.m. I want to spend a long time at the grocery store and cook dinner. I don't want "sleeping late" to mean sleeping until 5:30 a.m. I want to be more laid back and easy going. I want to read novels and do the crossword puzzle. I want to listen to This American Life and Radio Lab. I want to go to pick-up frisbee games until dark, or whenever I feel like leaving. I don't want to burst into tears for no reason other than the stress of it all. I want back the confidence in myself that I used to have.
When will it end?
Guilty! But just so you know, I love you and I don't care at all if you continue with all the stressful stuff or not, as long as you are doing what you want or at least it will be worth it to you in the end.
ReplyDeleteSchool stinks. I can't wait until we're done.
I am embarrassed to say that I haven't told you anything ... not even "It'll be ok." And I think it will (sorry), but I do. Of course, not until some big changes took place. I had hoped your new apartment would provide that tide change that you needed. I know that this morning's ride helped a little, but I'm sure it didn't do enough. Carrie, I don't like myself much as a law school student. What if I don't like myself as a lawyer?!?!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the support Ellen and Gracie-poo! I loved the bike ride and - yes - it will be okay. I like you as a law student and will love you as a lawyer!
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