I'm fighting this sinking feeling that is coming on. Those same feelings of stress and I-don't-belong-here. I had a nice weekend and all, but then Monday comes and I get all stressed out again about life, jobs, loans, money (or lack thereof), the bar exam, papers.
I've made some big changes and cut out commitments, so in theory, I should have more time to eat, sleep, be happier. I'm reading a novel. I go to yoga and the gym. I spent an hour going to the grocery store. I made dinner. I baked scones. I should be happy, no?
Instead, I just feel inadequate for not having an internship. I feel inadequate for "only" doing a full-time schedule of 4 classes, a masters thesis, and being on a law journal. Why do I have to feel guilty about free time or actually getting 8 hours of sleep at night. I feel like my head is spinning with law/professional/career ideas that I don't have anyone to talk to about. I feel pressure to look and apply for jobs. I feel pressure to decide where to take the bar. I am anxious already that I won't pass the bar. This fall semester leads to spring semester, which leads to the bar exam, which leads to starting a job (if I have one) ... rush rush rush, no time to rest or recover from life.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Justice Sotomayor
I'm sitting waiting for Justice Sotomayor to speak here at my law school in 5 minutes. Exciting! She's taking questions from high school students, but they may have been given feeder questions from law students.
Also, I have to say, I love wearing my hair in little buns. Tee hee hee :)
My Chinese fortune cookie today said:
Adversity reveals genius.
I love that. Rise above. Find creative solutions out of difficult situations.
Also, I have to say, I love wearing my hair in little buns. Tee hee hee :)
My Chinese fortune cookie today said:
Adversity reveals genius.
I love that. Rise above. Find creative solutions out of difficult situations.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
No excuses...
...just results.
I have been a terrible bloggie-er this month. It's tough with the traveling, moving, starting school, homework, trying to work out. Okay. Enough excuses. Without further delay:
My classes seem pretty good so far. I am trying to do extra (as in, "outside," not "additional") work like finding and applying for fellowships, a MA thesis, writing my own recommendation from my summer internship, and writing a case note to be published. I like to do as much work up-front and as early as possible in the semester if I can. I hate the sprint and rush to do everything at the end of the semester. I try to avoid that at all costs. I'm not sure I'm doing a good job, though, because all these extra things keep popping up.
I'm also in the middle of moving. Literally. I moved most of my things, but realized there were substantial/numerous issues with my newly-signed-lease apartment. I didn't want to finish moving my stuff and a natural gas smell made me nervous even to sleep there. So, my things are in my new apartment but my bed and ME (sleeping) are in the old apartment. I have to shower at the gym and eat out because I don't even have a shower curtain or any kitchenware in the kitchen. I can't even read in bed because there is only a light in the kitchen and in the bathroom, not the studio room. I basically get up early and leave for the day. I stay out as late as possible and literally go to bed the second I get home. It's all very unsettling and I wish things would be resolved quickly.
Some good things going on? Um. Um. Um. I'm reading Cradle of Gold written by my dear friend, Chris Heaney. I love the book, love reading the products of his hard work, and I love knowing my friend better.
I have been a terrible bloggie-er this month. It's tough with the traveling, moving, starting school, homework, trying to work out. Okay. Enough excuses. Without further delay:
My classes seem pretty good so far. I am trying to do extra (as in, "outside," not "additional") work like finding and applying for fellowships, a MA thesis, writing my own recommendation from my summer internship, and writing a case note to be published. I like to do as much work up-front and as early as possible in the semester if I can. I hate the sprint and rush to do everything at the end of the semester. I try to avoid that at all costs. I'm not sure I'm doing a good job, though, because all these extra things keep popping up.
I'm also in the middle of moving. Literally. I moved most of my things, but realized there were substantial/numerous issues with my newly-signed-lease apartment. I didn't want to finish moving my stuff and a natural gas smell made me nervous even to sleep there. So, my things are in my new apartment but my bed and ME (sleeping) are in the old apartment. I have to shower at the gym and eat out because I don't even have a shower curtain or any kitchenware in the kitchen. I can't even read in bed because there is only a light in the kitchen and in the bathroom, not the studio room. I basically get up early and leave for the day. I stay out as late as possible and literally go to bed the second I get home. It's all very unsettling and I wish things would be resolved quickly.
Some good things going on? Um. Um.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
First week of school
Things have been busy busy busy since I got back to Denver. I've seen friends, gone for bike rides, started up yoga and swimming. I changed my course schedule and I am about to cinch a 9 month least at a great apartment.
The classes:
International Comparative Petroleum Oil Law and Policy
International Mining Law and Policy
Legal Profession: Women in the Law
International Trade
The Apartment:
In an old historic brick mansion, the studio has 12 ft ceilings, a walk in closet, huge windows, wood floor and black/white checker kitchen tile, old fashioned tub, garden courtyard, loft bed with a desk underneath. I love it! If all goes well, I sign the lease Thursday and move in in a week.
The Internship:
No internship yet. I am considering (1) trying to do some higher-level policy work on economic development and international trade policy for the Colorado state government or (2) interning for the legal department of LaraBar. My most favorite-est exercise snack bar that is gluten free and started by women, based locally here in Denver. Can we say, free samples?
Other:
The weather is fabulous. I'm thinking of doing a sprint triathlon. I want a windowsill garden with rosemary, aloe, and basil plants. I have no internet at home and am holding out as long as I can. I'm reading for pleasure.
The classes:
International Comparative Petroleum Oil Law and Policy
International Mining Law and Policy
Legal Profession: Women in the Law
International Trade
The Apartment:
In an old historic brick mansion, the studio has 12 ft ceilings, a walk in closet, huge windows, wood floor and black/white checker kitchen tile, old fashioned tub, garden courtyard, loft bed with a desk underneath. I love it! If all goes well, I sign the lease Thursday and move in in a week.
The Internship:
No internship yet. I am considering (1) trying to do some higher-level policy work on economic development and international trade policy for the Colorado state government or (2) interning for the legal department of LaraBar. My most favorite-est exercise snack bar that is gluten free and started by women, based locally here in Denver. Can we say, free samples?
Other:
The weather is fabulous. I'm thinking of doing a sprint triathlon. I want a windowsill garden with rosemary, aloe, and basil plants. I have no internet at home and am holding out as long as I can. I'm reading for pleasure.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
(air)Port Post
7:58 p.m
Logan Airport
Gate C36
I ended my internship in D.C. I may or may not have cried while walking to work on my last day. I loved my D.C. summer life, my coworkers, my daily routine, the big black woman, Monty, who worked at my gym (the JCC). I loved stopping off at the farmers market on my way home to pick up veggies. I loved going for walks. I loved visiting my grandmother on weekends. I loved hopping on the MARC Penn Line to visit my friend in Baltimore. I loved Baltimore. For once, I had an internship where I got to do the job I would have if I worked there. And, for once, I loved the job I got to do. But, my time came to an end. I scrubbed my apartment, left some wine and a gift card for SweetGreen, packed my bags and headed North.
I saw my eye doctor in Boston before jumping on a bus down to the Cape. Carrying all my stuff from the last 3 month, eyes dilated with the 4:30 p.m. sun setting in my eyes, I staggered grouchy, groggy and blind around the J-Way streets trying to find my way back to South Station. I was a sorry sight, for sure. I made it home -- real home -- and powered off my cell phone, tucked away my computer and swore off communicating with the outside world (not so hard, as Verizon is spotchy at my parents' house). I had a lovely, hectic few days with my family. I read two books. I slept with no alarm. I got new contact lenses and had my teeth cleaned. We got sand in our shoes and ate homemade ice cream. We went sailing. We had fresh fish, smooth as butter, and baked blueberry crisp. We visited my aunt and walked her dog. We had dinner with my 90 year-old grandmother who still swims laps in the ocean. We saw my grandfather's closet, still part full a mere five months after he passed. We went for runs and walks. We saw shooting stars at the bridge down the street.
We got and gave hugs. We laughed. We cried. We changed our life plans. We yelled. We made new life plans. We loved each other. We told one another we loved each other.
We said goodbye.
....
En route back to Denver. I feel rejuvenated and excited. I found myself again this summer. I was inspired. I have ideas. I have motivation and initiative. The anger abated. The confidence came back. I am myself. I am my self.
This will be my year.
Logan Airport
Gate C36
I ended my internship in D.C. I may or may not have cried while walking to work on my last day. I loved my D.C. summer life, my coworkers, my daily routine, the big black woman, Monty, who worked at my gym (the JCC). I loved stopping off at the farmers market on my way home to pick up veggies. I loved going for walks. I loved visiting my grandmother on weekends. I loved hopping on the MARC Penn Line to visit my friend in Baltimore. I loved Baltimore. For once, I had an internship where I got to do the job I would have if I worked there. And, for once, I loved the job I got to do. But, my time came to an end. I scrubbed my apartment, left some wine and a gift card for SweetGreen, packed my bags and headed North.
I saw my eye doctor in Boston before jumping on a bus down to the Cape. Carrying all my stuff from the last 3 month, eyes dilated with the 4:30 p.m. sun setting in my eyes, I staggered grouchy, groggy and blind around the J-Way streets trying to find my way back to South Station. I was a sorry sight, for sure. I made it home -- real home -- and powered off my cell phone, tucked away my computer and swore off communicating with the outside world (not so hard, as Verizon is spotchy at my parents' house). I had a lovely, hectic few days with my family. I read two books. I slept with no alarm. I got new contact lenses and had my teeth cleaned. We got sand in our shoes and ate homemade ice cream. We went sailing. We had fresh fish, smooth as butter, and baked blueberry crisp. We visited my aunt and walked her dog. We had dinner with my 90 year-old grandmother who still swims laps in the ocean. We saw my grandfather's closet, still part full a mere five months after he passed. We went for runs and walks. We saw shooting stars at the bridge down the street.
We got and gave hugs. We laughed. We cried. We changed our life plans. We yelled. We made new life plans. We loved each other. We told one another we loved each other.
We said goodbye.
....
En route back to Denver. I feel rejuvenated and excited. I found myself again this summer. I was inspired. I have ideas. I have motivation and initiative. The anger abated. The confidence came back. I am myself. I am my self.
This will be my year.
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